Cherish is right

I have the day off from work today. It's a rarity that I'm home alone, both kids at school, with no where to go. I took the day off to do my holiday baking, write my Christmas cards, clean the house, and do some wrapping. But after what happened last week, I just don't care about any of those things. Sure, I care about giving to my neighbors and letting my family and friends know I'm thinking of them, but when it all comes down to it, I just can't stop thinking about those poor, poor parents and what they're going through. I can't imagine the deepness of their grief. I can't imagine how utterly sorrowful it must feel to know that their is no longer with them. The same child they probably featured in their holiday card. The same child they bought all those gifts for... My heart hurts for them. It truly, truly hurts. And nothing else seems as important.

When I dropped Emma off at school this morning, the door was locked. And the principal was waiting by the door to talk to any parents who, well, needed someone to talk to. Then I heard from another mother that a police officer arrived shortly after I left. Just to make parents feel secure. I'm torn.  I appreciate the support and the reassurance that my child is safe. But then again, I don't want her to be unnecessarily scared. So far, she knows nothing. And I don't plan on talking about it with her unless she asks. I hope and pray that having a police officer at school doesn't worry her. And I hope and pray that the older children don't hint at anything that the little ones can't take. I like her innocence and I want to preserve it as much as possible. What happened last week is really an isolated, uncontrollable incident. No matter how many drills you run or what precautions you take, it was unpreventable. I believe that.

Anyway, here I type. My "to do" list is looming. But instead of baking or wrapping or whatever else it is that I am supposed to be doing, I went and spent some time with Lindsay at daycare instead. I ate lunch with the kids and I rubbed Lindsay's back until she fell asleep. I left in tears. And now, I'm counting the minutes until I meet Emma at the bus stop. Then we're going to her dance studio's holiday party. I'm not sure how seeing all those healthy, happy, beautiful, full-of-life smiles will make me feel. Lucky, sad, and everything in between. But I'm also remembering right now. Even though I didn't know them, I will always remember those lives that were lost last week. And the only thing I can do for those parents who lost their children, I feel, is to cherish my own children -- to love them even more, to appreciate them more, and to remember more often how very lucky I am.

The next adventure

This week was Emma's first week of kindergarten. THIS WEEK WAS EMMA'S FIRST WEEK OF KINDERGARTEN! How in God's name did this happen? What a surreal and amazing experience it's been. Emma has been incredibly brave and I am just overflowing with pride. It's one of those rewarding moments when all the hard work and dedication you've put into parenting pays off. (Don't get me wrong, I don't need a payoff. But parenting is hard work -- I'm not going to lie. It just feels so good to see your child use the tools you've worked so hard to give her.)

I've pretty much been on emotional overload all week. We all have, I think. And it's been hard to focus on anything other than Emma. (Like Lindsay -- who officially transitioned to the toddler room this week! A toddler and a kindergartner -- WOW!) My head was spinning so much, it was really hard to make sure everything went smoothly. Every minute of our routine has changed -- from new backpacks to new rules and teachers to separate pick-ups and drop-offs. But, it's Friday. We made it and really, everything has been just GREAT. Here are some highlights:

• There were no tears from Emma on the first day. And I didn't let her see mine.
• There were minimal tears on the second day. (I took a day off for her first day, but on the second, I had to catch the train. So, I couldn't stay with her as long.)
• When I picked Emma up from her new after school program, she didn't want to leave.
• When we pulled into the driveway after her first day, she said: "I wish it was tomorrow. I can't wait to go back."
• When we got inside and started unloading her backpack, she asked if she could "practice" for kindergarten. (i.e. Do her "homework.")
• There were no tears on the third or fourth days for either of us.
• Emma has been talking non-stop about the whole experience and sharing every last detail: "Mrs. Izzo wore a blue dress today and I sit at the orange table. I made new friends named Lauren and Chloe. Lauren sits at the blue table. Is your favorite color orange, Mom? Mr. Getchel read us a book today. I have an invisible bucket to fill with good thoughts. There are no seat belts on the bus, Mom. And we can go to the bathroom whenever we want." And so on... This is the opposite of what I expected. I assumed I'd get a lot of "I don't remember" and "I don't know" responses.

Like I said, though, this transition has been an emotional one for me. (And it's all about me, right?) And the few weeks leading up to the new year were chaotic. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a planner. I like to think ahead. I make lists, I keep a detailed calendar, and I do everything I can to cover every detail and to be prepared. But I don't know what happened. This whole kindergarten thing has really thrown me for a loop. Everything worked out, thankfully, but barely. I have never procrastinated so badly in my life (well, maybe freshman year in college). Want to know how bad it was? (Probably not, but I'm telling you anyway.)

• I didn't officially sign Emma up for her after school program until 8/29. (Yes, that's less than a week before school started.)
• I got a nasty email from the Easton Public Schools Business Manager saying that if I didn't pay for Emma's full-day program by 8/31, she wouldn't be able to go to the following week. At the parent orientation, I had to -- hanging my head in shame -- hand the principal a check, tell him I was delinquent, and ask him to inter-office it to the business manager. 
• I didn't order Emma's first day outfit until mid August. (Usually I order Thanksgiving dresses around then.) 
• I didn't call the school to tell them about Emma's before school plans until 8/30. 

What is wrong with me? Why can't I get my act together? It's a classic case of denial, I tell you. Worse that I've ever had before. Emma might be ready for this, but I am certainly not. I am just not ready to let go. But, I know I have to. And I will. And I am. In a few short weeks, it'll be old hat. And yet again, we'll be ready for the next adventure.

And just for fun...

Here are a few of the most ridiculous (and not-so-ridiculous) kindergarten-related moments that made me cry this week:

• When I woke up on Monday 8/27 and realized that it was Emma's last week at Learning Ladder.
• When I was picking out granola bars at Target. Because, well, I knew that they would be consumed by Emma in kindergarten.
• When I printed out the hot lunch menu so Emma and I could go through and circle the days she wants hot lunch.
• When I looked up Emma's bus number online. (Buses are scary, people.)
• When at parent orientation Emma's teacher asked each parent to write a note to their child to leave on his/her desk for the first day. Yup, a simple note from mom. I mean, what could I possible say that conveys how much I love her or how proud I am?
• When I hugged my very brave and beautiful 5-year-old goodbye, turned around, and left her outside her new classroom.

So, there you have it. One successful week down. 467 to go. (Seriously.)

And the mother of the year award goes to...

Have I really not blogged since April? Poor little Lindsay, my second and very neglected child. Thou shalt have no baby book, nor blog entries documenting your youth...

OK, whatever. She knows I love her. And all the important things are written down somewhere, whether on my calendar, on FB, or in an email... It's actually the little things that need remembering. And my day on Tuesday this week is too good to pass up. Here goes...

Background context: Lindsay was just getting over Roseola. The week before, she'd been sent home on Thursday with a rash. (Let me clarify. I took a $90 cab ride home to get her because when daycare called me to come pick her up, I'd just missed the train by two minutes. The wasn't another train until four hours later. I also lost -- well, thought I lost... it mysteriously showed up in our mailbox the next day) my cell phone. Anyway, my parents came down, yet again, to watch Lindsay on Friday. We had a good, calm weekend and I thought we were in the clear. Monday was fine too. But on Tuesday morning I got a call from daycare. Oh, how I dread seeing that number pop up on my caller ID! Her teacher sounded very concerned that her rash had taken a turn for the worst -- some new red marks had shown up on her. The marks looked like vertical lines running down her torso -- very thin, very symmetric. They didn't think anyone wrote on her and she didn't fall on any toys. I asked all the usual questions: Does she have a fever? Is she itchy? Are the lines raised? Are they also on her back? Did she eat her lunch? Does she seem irritable or uncomfortable? And I promised to call the pediatrician and get back to them right away. It was Andrew's turn (after my $90 cab ride the previous week) to go pick her up, so I gave him a quick call to give him a heads up. Our conversation went a little like this:

Andrew: Don't even tell me someone's sick again.
Me: Yeah, I just got the call. Lindsay has some new weird rash on her. They said it was like red lines going down her chest/belly.
Andrew: (after a short pause) Um, did you give her a bath last night?
Me: No, why?
Andrew: It's Jell-o. Tell them it's Jell-o. I gave it to her last night. She didn't have a shirt on and it dripped all down her front.
Me: &@#$@*(#$^*(@#$%^*%!

So, there you have it, folks. Lesson learned. Before you freak out over random rashes on your children, ask if it wipes off first. I called daycare back, of course, and low and behold, the "rash" wiped right off.

So, you'd think we'd be in the clear after a morning like that, right? Well, we ended up in the ER later that night anyway. Seriously. Emma and I were playing with Perler beads. Remember these?

And Lindsay got a hold of some. I knew that Lindsay was playing them (I know, I know! Worst mother EVER. You don't have to remind me!), but I was keeping an eye on her making sure she didn't put any in her mouth. Part of me wishes it had been her mouth. Then she would have just pooped them out. But no, my dear, darling littler girl shoved two beads into her right her ear. It took me a minute to realize/figure out what she'd done. I was able to get one out with tweezers, but the second one was too far down. I could only see it if with a flashlight. (It was dark green, if you care.) There's no way I was going to mess with that, especially after all the ear trouble she's already had. So, I stuck a hat on her (in case she started poking at it) and lugged her to the ER. Two-and-a-half hours of waiting and all it took was one long pair of tweezers and 30 seconds do get it out.

Never a dull moment. Luckily, no damage was done. On to the next adventure...

Ice, ice baby

Me: Emma, you're on thin ice. If you behave like that again, you'll be in big trouble.

Emma: And if I'm good, I'll be hot?

*sigh*

This kid never fails to keep me on my toes. I don't know why...

Happy New Year!

First kid quote of 2012...

Emma: Mom, is your middle name YELL?

(Perhaps my resolution should be to tone it down a notch.)

Happy New Year!

Houston, we have a tooth

It's funny. So much time has gone by since my last real post and so much has changed. Yet nothing has piqued my interest in writing until now, Lindsay's first tooth. I can't believe how much she's changed in the last few months. And I can't believe how quickly time has flown by. She's almost 8 months now, babbling all the time, loving solids, and almost crawling. She's got to be 20 pounds now, at least. Though only weighed in at 19 and change at her last appointment.

Emma is doing great too. She passed her kindergarten screening and has orientation coming up in March. I know it's still a while away, but it's on our calendars! And she's just so much fun around the holidays -- totally into everything. She was recently in our town's  holiday parade and it seems like every weekend is filled with festivities.

Anyway, my babies are growing up. I guess it's just that time of year too -- time to reflect on the entire year. So much has changed -- for better and for worse. But the good by far outweighs the bad. Minus a job for Andrew, I already have everything on my Christmas list. I feel very lucky.

Happy holidays.

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